I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
