i was rollin on her like bob the builder
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's just like the Real World with babies
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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