How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize