WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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