i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
