Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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