I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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