Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
