Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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