...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
