I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sex in a hospital.. check
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
