Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
