Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
