1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
it's not cheating when I paid for it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
