Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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