i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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