the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I cannot find my penis.
Please, let me fuck your mom
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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