one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
