to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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