Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
