I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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