im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
