she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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