Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize