I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
