Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
