I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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