I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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