i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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