Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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