Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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