somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
