I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
