Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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