if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Drunk is not a location!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize