you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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