the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
