god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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