I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
