You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize