dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
