Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
