I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
