that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
