the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize