just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
