I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
