Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
