My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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