Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
