I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
