I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
