8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
