I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
