she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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