im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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