Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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