wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
