my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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