How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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