i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
