I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
