if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
