Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize