Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
