I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
