addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
