Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
