youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
