if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize