I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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